I'm Done

 14 years working for myself and I'm done. Probably closer to 20 years, but full-time it's been about 14. I'm selling off my SCA-related merchandise (I hope). I've debated this for a couple years, but it's time to cut my losses. 

There are too many other people doing what I do now and it's tough to compete even if I am better established. I've run afoul of fake friends and competitors who will stop at nothing to steal my customers then vehemently object when I return the favor.

I've always been a one man show and it's difficult to recruit help that will honestly help and not simply take my money.

Covid-19 had killed my business this year, anyway, so maybe it's a good time to bail out.

So Much for That

I deleted a long time friend off Fakebook today. Never thanks me if I do a favor for her, doesn't keep her word. Only seems interested in being worshiped for her knowledge.

Hell, she hasn't even noticed. Maybe she doesn't care. Afterall, I'm not massaging her ego.

Confused

I feel so confused, or is it the insomnia.? Sometime in the last 6-8 months, I've come to be more accepting of being bi. I don't know WHY I am, I simply AM. I guess I've know for ages, but kept fighting it. The I got daring after things went south with Pam. I met a guy in Mountain View, but he was too rough. I met a guy in Springfield and he kept me bouncing all over the bed.. He knew a thn g or two. Maybe I can meet him again, sometime.

Yet I'm not really coming out. I may longer hide it for the most part, but I'm not going to announce it... I just am. Does that mean I'm still hiding? I just feel it's no ones business unless I tell them, though there a number of people who know already...maybe more than I think.

Yet I still like the ladies. I really wish I had a GF to spend time with and maybe play around a bit. I'm not giving up the ladies unless I get tired of them giving up on me. Everyone of them has gone off and got married, except one, but no way would I go back. I didn't realize until later that she was just using me. Yet I refused to give up until she told me to get lost. The signs were there, but I ignored them.

For that matter, Suzi was the same. Wanted to date me, but play on the side. She got mad when I told her I didn't think it was right, but she thought I was being unfair, so I walked away.

Pam, I don't know about. She acts like she's interested in me, yet when I wanted to get together, there was always a conflict with work, the kids, moving, laundry, or whatever. I finally got tired of feeling led along and walked away. I've tried to tell her, but she doesn't seem to understand. I've had to back away, but she wants to guilt me over it. 

Maybe I'm doomed to remain single. I'm 60 years old...who would want me?

My track record if full of bad choices.

My sister found her (ex) husband through a friend. Dad and mom met through a mutual friend. Me? I don't have many friends and none of them know anyone. Guess I'm too weird/strange/different or not enough.

I'm lonely. I feel isolated. I feel unwanted. I feel the world has abandoned me.

I've Noticed

If I don't call friends to see how they are doing, no one will call me. Half the time, I'm left feeling they'd rather NOT hear from me.People I've know for over 20 years and they act like they're too busy for me.
So maybe I'll quit contacting people...let them call ME. If they don't, maybe I never mattered to them.

Isolated

Now more than ever I feel isolated...cut off from the world. I can't really go out anywhere except the grocery since everything else is closed. So I'm pretty much stuck at home. I never hear from anyone...it's like I don't exist anymore.

But I'm tired of being housebound. I want to go out. I want to spend some time with someone. I want some companionship...I want a lover. I want...something. Something I don't have or can;t have right now. I feel like I'm starving for attention, starving for affection, starving for physical touch. I don't even know if I care if  it's male or female companionship. I'm just tired of feeling alone and isolated.

This virus seems to have everyone on lockdown but I really wish there was someone I could spend my time with. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Covid 19 and SSDD

So far, I've managed not to catch Covid 19, but I only leave home for groceries or doctor appointments. Most of my "friends" seem to have forgotten about me, which is par for the course.I called one of them and were surprised to hear from and wondered why I was calling.
It's not like anyone calls me, so maybe I shouldn't call them.

Did I mention my "friend" who disappeared 5 years ago called me recently? He was trying to get some info on an event. So nice to be thought of after all this time.

I called him a couple weeks later to let him know another event had been cancelled, but he already knew.

Sometimes I really feel I'm second fiddle to all my friend's other friends. They go out to eat (when you still could), movies , etc. Yet they never call me. Is there something wrong with me?

When this virus crap is over, it'll be the same old BS of "friends" who never call, never write unless they need a favor.

#SSDD.

Second Hand

Seems like all my relationships have been second-hand. Carol was divorced.  Zdenka slept with anything that moved, as did Valerie. Even Pam was divorced.
Liz wasn't married, but had played around with her boyfriends.

Me? I'm some sort of pariah. I make the next poor dumb bastard that comes along looks like a real find. Liz wound married to an alcoholic, though she swore she wasn't going to, But she loves him. He treated me like dirt, like to wave it my face that HE won her affections , but she never saw it. Yeah, in front of her he was well behaved, but I was always a rival or a vanquished enemy to Jerry.

Melinda was divorced, as well. She only kept me around to scratch her itch, then dropped me like a hot rock when she suddenly got the hots for Liam.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just here to be used and thrown away. I guess I care too much. Maybe I should quit caring about others.

No one seems to care about me. Hardly anyone checks on me during this virus crisis. I guess that shows who my "true friends" are.

Stolen Ideas

I have this "friend" who is a travel writer/restaurant critic. She's stuck at home due to Covid-19 and complaining about it. Why not do a blog about cooking with what you have during the crisis? She wasn't interested....until today. Now she ready to start putting out ideas and soliciting ideas from others. But NO acknowledgement that I suggested it.
Nothing new. I've had people borrowing my ideas for years and never acknowledging it.

One Way Traffic

So, I've been checking on a few people with regards to Covid-19, making sure they are OK. Yet not one person has called or written to see how I am. If you don't care about me, why should I care about you? Even my own sister has forgotten about me.

If I die, I die I suppose. I doubt anyone would miss me, though my sister would be first in line for a handout, like she always is.