Same yet different

 I feel the same, yet different. I don't know how to explain. I'm still wrestling with being bi-sexual, but I'm not running away anymore...I'm just sort of "meh, whatever. I'm still not telling the world, just a few confidants. I figure it's no one's business. I still like the ladies and always will. If I had to choose, I'd take the ladies but don't know why I have to choose...society? All I owe society is the pain, hatred and grief  I've dealt with all my life. 

Turkey Day

 Turkey Day 2021... just another day on the calendar. The only "family" I have is my sister and she only calls  if she wants something from me. Everyone else gets together with family and friends, but I seem to be lacking in both. So I just cleaned house today. Got a lot done, but still have a lot to do.

No one celled. no one wrote. Just another day on the calendar. Why did I expect things to be different?

SSDY

 Same shit, different year. I spent Christmas by myself as well as New Year's Eve and New Years Day. No one called to check on my, no one messaged me, no one came by.

Why do I keep expecting things to change? 

I'm Done

 14 years working for myself and I'm done. Probably closer to 20 years, but full-time it's been about 14. I'm selling off my SCA-related merchandise (I hope). I've debated this for a couple years, but it's time to cut my losses. 

There are too many other people doing what I do now and it's tough to compete even if I am better established. I've run afoul of fake friends and competitors who will stop at nothing to steal my customers then vehemently object when I return the favor.

I've always been a one man show and it's difficult to recruit help that will honestly help and not simply take my money.

Covid-19 had killed my business this year, anyway, so maybe it's a good time to bail out.

So Much for That

I deleted a long time friend off Fakebook today. Never thanks me if I do a favor for her, doesn't keep her word. Only seems interested in being worshiped for her knowledge.

Hell, she hasn't even noticed. Maybe she doesn't care. Afterall, I'm not massaging her ego.

Confused

I feel so confused, or is it the insomnia.? Sometime in the last 6-8 months, I've come to be more accepting of being bi. I don't know WHY I am, I simply AM. I guess I've know for ages, but kept fighting it. The I got daring after things went south with Pam. I met a guy in Mountain View, but he was too rough. I met a guy in Springfield and he kept me bouncing all over the bed.. He knew a thn g or two. Maybe I can meet him again, sometime.

Yet I'm not really coming out. I may longer hide it for the most part, but I'm not going to announce it... I just am. Does that mean I'm still hiding? I just feel it's no ones business unless I tell them, though there a number of people who know already...maybe more than I think.

Yet I still like the ladies. I really wish I had a GF to spend time with and maybe play around a bit. I'm not giving up the ladies unless I get tired of them giving up on me. Everyone of them has gone off and got married, except one, but no way would I go back. I didn't realize until later that she was just using me. Yet I refused to give up until she told me to get lost. The signs were there, but I ignored them.

For that matter, Suzi was the same. Wanted to date me, but play on the side. She got mad when I told her I didn't think it was right, but she thought I was being unfair, so I walked away.

Pam, I don't know about. She acts like she's interested in me, yet when I wanted to get together, there was always a conflict with work, the kids, moving, laundry, or whatever. I finally got tired of feeling led along and walked away. I've tried to tell her, but she doesn't seem to understand. I've had to back away, but she wants to guilt me over it. 

Maybe I'm doomed to remain single. I'm 60 years old...who would want me?

My track record if full of bad choices.

My sister found her (ex) husband through a friend. Dad and mom met through a mutual friend. Me? I don't have many friends and none of them know anyone. Guess I'm too weird/strange/different or not enough.

I'm lonely. I feel isolated. I feel unwanted. I feel the world has abandoned me.

I've Noticed

If I don't call friends to see how they are doing, no one will call me. Half the time, I'm left feeling they'd rather NOT hear from me.People I've know for over 20 years and they act like they're too busy for me.
So maybe I'll quit contacting people...let them call ME. If they don't, maybe I never mattered to them.